Autassassinophilia - Do You Have a Death Fantasy?

Discussion in 'Stories' started by Bleak, Dec 14, 2017.

  1. Stay with him and talk about it

    100.0%
  2. Take the risk to find someone else

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  3. Be single, get some help

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  4. Other (Please Explain)

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  1. Bleak

    Bleak Deathling

    60
    76
    Jul 29, 2017
    Male
    College Freshman
    Pasco County, Florida
    I understand that this kind of post might belong better on the fetishes thread, but I'd like to share some experiences of mine. For me it isn't entirely a sexual or even suicidal thing, I only really want to die for my own personal symbolism. I'll explain, but I've come a long way so this could be a huge story and I don't understand it entirely myself; so I'll try my best and hope I don't offend someone, or seem like I'm simply attention seeking...

    I've always been kinda feminine, I looked scrawny when I was younger. There weren't any signs I would have any of these struggles growing up; most people just assumed I was a sheltered autistic kid (I have Aspergers and BPD). It isn't really anyone's fault I look the way I do either; I might have a hormone imbalance like those guys who develop breasts, except in my case it only influenced how significantly puberty effected me.
    As a preteen I grew to accept that and let my hair grow out long, though I was confused with my sexuality. I think I figured that finding a girl would be impossible for someone like me, thus I settled with a boy I met long distance... We've been with each other for almost 4 and a half years now; however I've caused lots of problems along our time together since I can't remember my reasons for getting with him in the first place...

    By the way, guilt hasn't made me want to do this; though a while after we begun dating I started thinking about having a girl kill me... She could even sever my leg or something, I'd be fine with that too.... No matter what (if she's a good person or not) I'll thoroughly enjoy cutting myself if I meet one I believe is also interested in me.
    He's the only other guy I've ever been attracted to, and I'm pretty sure that's because he seemed straight to me; though I'm predicting that I don't associate that desire with men since I've never dealt with self-harm. I know it sounds insane and selfish, but it's a heteromantic thing. I can't see him hurting me; he's the only person who could even save me from doing this, but in the end I might not feel fulfilled in life if I stay with him...

    I can't figure out what I should do. I know I sound edgy, though it isn't supposed to be that way. I'm aware that the reality of what I want is likely impossible and how banal it is just to bring up this kind of shit in general; however it's not like I'm trying to get support for it! I hate being indecisive, so that's all I need help with, and maybe people can use this thread as a discussion for all troublesome fetishes/philia.
     
    Airbornemama likes this.
  2. Airbornemama

    Airbornemama Queen of Admin. I am the Boss Bitch Staff Member

    5,794
    20,593
    Nov 27, 2016
    Female
    Here, there and everywhere!
    Well, I'd say the reason you got with him in the first place is loneliness and it seems like you had this idea you HAD to be with someone, anyone as it was time. Remember your not only dealing with your feelings, he has feelings also and he has been with you for almost five years also and I'm sure he has some thoughts on it himself. Do you feel feminine in a man's body? Transgender issues? Just look deep inside to see who you really are and love that person, because once you love yourself you open the door for others to truly love you back.
     
  3. OP
    OP
    Bleak

    Bleak Deathling

    60
    76
    Jul 29, 2017
    Male
    College Freshman
    Pasco County, Florida
    Well, loneliness exactly is why I feel stuck with him now. If it weren't for both of us not having any second options, leaving wouldn't be so difficult.
    Also I don't have any gender problems, I'm perfectly comfortable as I am. Lots of people who'd be considered similar to me don't have it as easy.
     
  4. OP
    OP
    Bleak

    Bleak Deathling

    60
    76
    Jul 29, 2017
    Male
    College Freshman
    Pasco County, Florida
    Yeah talking didn't go too well.
     
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