I understand that this kind of post might belong better on the fetishes thread, but I'd like to share some experiences of mine. For me it isn't entirely a sexual or even suicidal thing, I only really want to die for my own personal symbolism. I'll explain, but I've come a long way so this could be a huge story and I don't understand it entirely myself; so I'll try my best and hope I don't offend someone, or seem like I'm simply attention seeking... I've always been kinda feminine, I looked scrawny when I was younger. There weren't any signs I would have any of these struggles growing up; most people just assumed I was a sheltered autistic kid (I have Aspergers and BPD). It isn't really anyone's fault I look the way I do either; I might have a hormone imbalance like those guys who develop breasts, except in my case it only influenced how significantly puberty effected me. As a preteen I grew to accept that and let my hair grow out long, though I was confused with my sexuality. I think I figured that finding a girl would be impossible for someone like me, thus I settled with a boy I met long distance... We've been with each other for almost 4 and a half years now; however I've caused lots of problems along our time together since I can't remember my reasons for getting with him in the first place... By the way, guilt hasn't made me want to do this; though a while after we begun dating I started thinking about having a girl kill me... She could even sever my leg or something, I'd be fine with that too.... No matter what (if she's a good person or not) I'll thoroughly enjoy cutting myself if I meet one I believe is also interested in me. He's the only other guy I've ever been attracted to, and I'm pretty sure that's because he seemed straight to me; though I'm predicting that I don't associate that desire with men since I've never dealt with self-harm. I know it sounds insane and selfish, but it's a heteromantic thing. I can't see him hurting me; he's the only person who could even save me from doing this, but in the end I might not feel fulfilled in life if I stay with him... I can't figure out what I should do. I know I sound edgy, though it isn't supposed to be that way. I'm aware that the reality of what I want is likely impossible and how banal it is just to bring up this kind of shit in general; however it's not like I'm trying to get support for it! I hate being indecisive, so that's all I need help with, and maybe people can use this thread as a discussion for all troublesome fetishes/philia.